Illusions

Head reeling
Mind boggled
Not sure which way is up or down
I close my eyes for two seconds
And my lids burn
I open them
And my pupil dilates
Shocked at the sudden light
The sudden pang of brightness
Not quite sure what to speak of
Or what not to speak of anymore
Disoriented?
To say in the least

~Maya~

All My Lovin'

Ants
Beatles
On Demand
Pause
Play
Stop
Go
Moms
Therapy
Pizza
Tears
Sparkling
Cider
Perfection.

~Maya~

And I Dont Know

Panic attacks
Chef Boyardee
Tears
Phone calls
Donuts
Strawberry fanta
Pills
Tears
Pain
Beds
Hugs
Tears
Love
Pain
Truths
Tears
Love.


"And I Dont Know, This Could Break My Heart, Or Save Me, Nothings Real, Until You Let Go, Completely"

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

Hm, maybe i am being a little more reserved than usual -shrug-
Either way
You arent helping anyway
Hardly anyone has been supportive of me
And when i try my hardest to keeep you sane
The second i make a mistake its all over
And i didnt even make a mistake
I fell in love
And acted upon it
If that is a mistake in your eyes
Then well, i think you need to get that checked

Anyway, i'm still close with those who are true friends
I dont know, eh, i should be more worried about my dwindling friend list than i am
But you know, im also making new friends
So it's pretty balanced
Eh

~Maya~

Oh Where

Why do i have this strange premonition that my perfect world
Is going to shatter?



Well. Fuck you premonition.
This is going to work. And i will make it.
I love you.
If so many people hate us, then well, that sucks for them
I care about everyone
But lately, my patience has been getting thinner and thinner
I cant care about what i dont know
So i dont understand how suddenly im some selfish bitch
But whatever
To each his own

"Oh Where Is My Hairbrush?"

<3

"Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around,
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you"

Dear Robert,

The only thing i ask of you, is to hold me when im around
I dont like being far away
I shall be that person who will be true to you

Love,
~Maya~

The Silhouette Of Mandane

Sometimes i just dont know what to do with myself
I feel so imperfect
So flawed
And frankly
So dirty

I love you
So very much
But that little voice
The same one that tells me im shit
Seems to echo that you'll leave me
That you'll realize how much better you deserve
And with every word that voice utters
I dont know whether to cling tighter
Or let you go
I dont want to let go
Goodness knows i love you
I dont think i ever could
I know the pain that causes me
And you
I think i'll just cling tighter
And hope i dont
Cling the life out
<3

"The Silhouette of Mandane Speaks Deep Features and Emus"

Larry! The Strawberries!

Should there be a word to describe how perfect today was?
Cuz in my vocabulary
It doesnt exist

I wish i had known something this magical would happen
If i had
I would have waited
I wish i had
But i dont regret today
Oh god

I love you.

"Larry! The Strawberries! They're Going Bad! Go Get The Peroxide for Janna!"

Eat My Cytoplasm

I dont care what anyone says
Im not ever going to be around you
And not hold your hand
Or have my hand around your waist
Or hold you close to me

She can try as hard as she wants
But she isnt keeping us apart love

Today was magical
As every moment with you is

"Eat My Cytoplasm, Because My Nucleous Isn't Very Happy With You Sir"

Oh Susanna

me: once a week, sometimes once every other week
Hector: so at least that is something. think of it kinda like your pick-me-up. kinda like hes your drug you getta take once a week or so to make all the problems go away you can take small doses earlier in the week: webchat phone calls but when ya hang out its like smoking a shitload a weed to calm down

so, you're my drug
My amazing
Magical
Pick me up
Never through me down
Loves me lots
Drug

I stress too much
Wayy to much
I'm terribly sorry love
Im sorry for slipping up last night..
I promised i'd tell you
And i will.

I love you <3

"Oh Susanna, Do Not Eat That Pickle, Its Silver, And Silver Pickles Are The Ones You Save For Nevada"

I Made An Envelope

The fact that even when im falling apart
At my lowest
You can completely pick me up
Makes me really and insanely happy
And the fact that you are still here
Even after my madness
Makes me even happier
Who knew it was even possible?

I wish today had been a better day for you
And for her
Hm
I hope she feels better soon
I hope she knows she has us that will be here for her
And if she doesnt
Then this blog is
Le proof -nods-

Anywho
Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day
I think it will be
<3

"I Made An Envelope Out Of Gum And EarLobes, Look Sadie!"

May I

In case you were wondering
You are my love
I love you so much
And nothing can change that
This blog is for you
The person i care about so very much
I feel so empty without you
Sure, I could live without you
But why would i want to?
After knowing the happiness
And love
I feel when I'm with you
Im not giving that up
I just hope you know that
I love you
I care about you
I dont want to lose you
And i am not usually the one to profess her love for someone
But you arent just someone
You're My someone
I love you

"May I Say I Loved You More?"

Meet My Fan

Hm, i dont know how to explain how you make me feel
I've kissed before
I've hugged before
I've cuddled before
But i've never felt the feelings you give me

You touch me and a shiver
Goes down my spine
And i never want you to let go

You kiss me
And i can feel the love
Surging through your lips
Into my heart

You look at me
And i never want to look away
I just want to see the smile on your face again

When im lying with you
I want nothing more but to stay there
You're arms make me feel safer than any other place

You kissed my neck today
And i felt so warm inside
Tingly
Happy
Loved

You make me feel so amazing
And i really dont want this to end
I love you, so very much
I hope you never forget that

"Meet My Fan, He Keeps Me Cool On Hot Days, And Looks Pretty"

Cheese Mr.M

I love you.
I dont think i could even begin to describe the magic
That this day held
Perfectly perfect


Knarona999 (11:26:02 PM): WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE PART?
Knarona999 (11:26:03 PM): :o
Mayachemgrl (11:26:06 PM): hrmmmm...
Mayachemgrl (11:26:09 PM): -thinks-
Mayachemgrl (11:26:54 PM): when i was laying in your lap, in the rink, and everyone was around us talking, and you were kissing my neck, and it felt like nothing else mattered, and it was just you and me, and you told me everything would be alright, and kissed me, then kissed my neck, and held me tighter
Mayachemgrl (11:26:55 PM): -nods-
Mayachemgrl (11:26:59 PM): what about youuu?
Knarona999 (11:27:13 PM): That same exact time <3
Knarona999 (11:27:25 PM): When I kept hold you tighter
Knarona999 (11:27:30 PM): and everyone was talking
Knarona999 (11:27:38 PM): and all my attention was on you

I dont know what else i need to say.
All that matters right now is me and you
Fuck the past
All that matters is our future
I love you.

"Cheese Mr. McIntosh, We're All Waiting For You To Show Of Those Pearly Eyes You Got There"

My Mouse's Name is Ricardo

Tomorrow is going to be a good day
I can feel it
Ice skating
But not actually ice skating
Ah
Im looking forward to this weekend

"My Mouse's Name Is Ricardo, What About Your Aardvark?"

Oh Zuthra!

Hrm
Yes
You did deserve it
Im glad you realize that
It is taking Alll the willpower in my body not to like
Attack you
I guess I'm just that amazing of a person =]

Anywho,
Cramps up the wazzoo
But thats okay
Phone's make me happy =]

"Oh Zuthra! Dont Leave Me! Anamopalis Would Be Very Sad"

Refrain, Like You Havent Seen A Monkey

Hrm
First days of school
Interesting information
Sad people
I dont wanna say i was happy
I dont want to say i was sad
I will just say i was
Intruiged
Because that seems to be the most appropriate term
I never thought i'd have to sensor my blog
Its like dA all over again
People reading this dont need to know certain things
But i get by
Like usual
Not like i have anything to hide anyway
Might as well strip and go to school naked
Except not really
I'd get arrested

Hrm
Someone almost blow up ERHS
Like ten years ago
It was an interesting thing to think about
What if i went there?
If i got blown up?
I know i shouldnt think of these things
But you know how sometimes you just cant help
But to think of some of these sorta things
Where will i be in ten years?
What would have happened if i was here?
What if i was there?
So many ifs out there
I cant help but to consider them all

Anyway
I've been having some interesting dreams lately
Some that make me happy
Others that leave me pretty shaken to be quite honest
But last night
I had a happy making dream
So smile on
And dream on
And hey
Why not even
Float on?

"Refrain, Like You Havent Seen A Monkey, We Had One Just Last Week In The Abridged Version"

Breathing

Who said birthdays were supposed to be happy?
It started out nice
Movies
Cute Kitties
Visitation
Seeing his face again
His hair
His eyes
Having him in my arms
Even if it was only for a few minutes
I'd nearly forgotten how
Right
It felt to be around him
He smells like heaven on earth
I cried
And he didnt walk away
He held me there
He wouldnt do that if he didnt care would he?
I dont know what i was thinking
Of course he cares about me
Then he had to leave
And i felt like a piece of me left with him
Im not sure thats such a bad thing
While it hurt like hell
A piece of me is with him
Watching over him
Protecting him from anything and everything
I took a walk
Got lost in my thoughts
Almost lost hope
Almost gave up
I dreamt
And he was there
I dreamt
And i felt his love
I dreamt
And i woke up.

"Breathing and Bleeding, Breathing and Bleeding, Simultaneously"

And The Apple Said.

sometimes, i feel like im drowning sometimes
drowning in a see of my own madness
and yes, im so mad i spelled sea wrong
it feels like i keep trying to swim up
and the more i try
the further i sink
and my eyes feel like they'll explode
i cant cry
because im underwater
crying will just add the the water
to the depth of the madness im floating in
sinking in
i just want to close my eyes
and let the water take me where it must
but something keeps making me open them
and keep trying
keep crawling
maybe im crazy
maybe i should just close my eyes
and let it go
i can see myself bleeding in this water
the red mixing with the clear of the water
the sun shining at the horizon
the birds flying
i can only imagine what they sound like
what the people sound like
so happy
so content
seemingly perfect lives
with true smiles on their faces
i remember when that used to be me
but its too late for that
i fucked that up over two months ago
maybe i'll get that chance again?
will it ever be the same?
do i want it to be?
does he?
maybe it'll be better
knowing what its like to part
maybe it'll be worse
because we parted
either way
i've gotta try
gotta see what happens
i couldnt live with myself not knowing
and if that makes me a homewrecking bitch
then so be it
if it makes me pathetic
then that sme
if that makes me crazy
stick me in your padded room

"And The Apple Said, I'm Too Ripe To Be Your Bride, Go Talk To The Monkey Tree, He'll Be Your Ride"

Cuz I Know I'm Good For Something

my oh my, i love you guys, oh so very much
its like you have making me feel like shit down to a fucking t
i guess i dont really have anyone to blame but myself huh?
im sure you wouldnt mind shoving that little theory down my throat
well here it is
my mouth is open
shove all the shit you want

people talk about all this wishy washy stuff
i love you
i hate you
yatta yatta
people say thats how i am
its funny
because thats not how i am with you
i love you
there is no hate about it
simple huh?
fuck no
but we can say that

and you my dear
you hate me?
really now/
oh thats sweet
i hope you have fun ranting about me behind my back
go ahead with your blog posts
and your rants
really i enjoy the fact that to my fucking face
you act like everything is chill
what does that make you?
hmm
the word is on the tip of my tongue
ah well, im sure you know what im talking for
nope
i dont hate you
i dont dislike you
frankly, i think you're a pretty amazing little girl
but thats exactly what you are
a little girl
i sincerely hope your relationship works out
really, i seriously do
im not some crazy homewrecker out to ruin your relationship
but hey
think what you want
i dont care

oh babe, you're an amazing friend
do you realize that?
i really dont think you do
i havent the slightest clue what i would do without you
i think i'd probably lose my mind
its like you're the Only person
who can really get what im going through
without judging me
you dont have to give advice
you just love me
for me
and are there for me
you dont try to change me
you dont yell at me
you understand that i make mistakes
that i fall apart
that i lash out
you're a fantastic and amazing woman

i wish i could love you.
but then again
maybe me loving you isnt a good idea
people i love
dont seem to turn out so well in the end

Cutting
Cutters
Cuttings

Yes that was a full sentence
yes it makes sense
is that what im doing?
i dont know
im cutting myself
making myself bleed
maybe with this next cut something will happen
i dont want attention
i could give half a damn if you cared
i just want it all to be okay
pathetic as it sounds
i want to be happy
im sure half of you out there want me dead
or out of your lives
thats totally chill with me
as much as i'd love for you to be in my life
i cant make you stay
those of you who want me around
well hello there
how're you?

"Cuz I Know I'm Good For Something, I Just Haven't Found It Yet"

Hit Me Baby One More Time

i dont really know what im writing about here..i have plenty to say, with no way to say it

love? pain? passion? intimacy?

all intertwined in a strange box loop that only boy scouts can make

im not a boy scout.

my loop comes out looking strange, with pieces missing, and not quite complete, with many loose ends, and threads askew

its not a full circle, more like a two hundred and fifty seven degree arc, so, many things fall out, but im trying my best

is my best enough?

i care so much about so many people, but how do i know when care means love

when do i draw the line between compassion, and passion

people think im so easy, but im not, i just dont know what else to do

im not going to have sex with you just because you ask, im sorry

no. im not sorry

you shouldnt have asked me in the first place

i've not much more to say i guess, for some reason, writing this is bring tears to my eyes, and it isnt even that deep of a blog

~Maya~

Can Someone Give Me an A-Minor?

You would think that after almost four months, i'd be over you

You are dating my best friend, and you two are totally in love with each other -or so you say, i have my doubts-

Me and you will not work

So why is it that when i listened to that cd.. all those feelings came back to me?

The feelings of love, pain, and worry came back

What happened to us? We used to be so perfect, the best of friends, and we told each other everything. Remember that survey question?

"Who's is the first person you confide in? Maya"

Is that true anymore? I would still come to you, if you would have me

But i guess you wont, you are too wrapped up in your relationship, it sounds so selfish, but there it is

You and catherine
Inseparable

Both of you are my close friends

And both of you have left me for each other

Am i supposed to shrug my shoulders and say okay? Move on and pretend i dont still care about you?

My heart aches with pain everytime i see you with her

Is it because i still love you? or because im worried about you?

Can it be both?

What am i supposed to do, i refuse to just let this fall apart

You are my best friend, and i cant stand by and watch us disinegrate into nothing.

~Maya~

Shake, Rattle and Roll

Sex.



I've realized i have a very strange outlook on life and sex.

To me, sex is just an action



Walk into a room ,take of your clothes, vagina meet penis, penis, lets ejaculate and possibly fertalize an egg, and the vagina may let you grow and be a new homo sapien, or stick a needle in you and kill you forever.

Sex.

love? has nothing to do with it

its an action evolution, or whatever you believe in, has allowed us to do, in order to help move along the species

if you believe in evolution, then its Evolutions way of saying "hey, the envirnment is changing, lets make more babies and hopefully, enduce some spontaneous mutations, and get a new species, Hurray!"

Love? nothing at all

but thats just me

i dont see the relation at all, frankly, i dont understand why people make such a big thing out of it, but they do, and apparently im supposed to run around acting like its the biggest form of unfaithfulness and cheating

you are helping populate the earth with homo sapiens, at the least, you are killing the Earth little by little

Congrats, you are killing a planet, how's it feel?

~Maya~

Jumping Jacks, On A Thousand Tacks

Sometimes I wonder what i meant to you, was i just some doll, that you kept around because i was fun to play with?

If so, why'd you keep taking me out of the trash, and playing some more?

It's crazy to think what goes through your mind, when you are calling me, to tell me that we cant talk anymore, that She doesnt like our friendship, and that we are too close.

It's crazy to think what goes through you mind, when you are calling me, to tell me that you've missed me and that you want us to be friends again, that you are so sorry, and will never leave me again.

I can not believe ive been such a fool to believe you time and time again, but i have, and i cant anymore. I miss you so much, what you Used to be, what i thought you were, and now that person is gone, so what do i have to hold on to? The old you may come back, but the likelyhood of that, is slim to none, and i can not keepwaiting for that day to come.

I will forever hold you in my heart, and care about you so much, but, we can not be friends, because while i am caring, and considerate, you are not. You are instable, and a pushover.

I know i am unstable as well, but i'd never leave my friends for a lover. While you have on numerous occasions

I love you, you were one of my best friends, but this is it.

Jumping Jacks, On A Thousand Tacks

~Maya~

So Tell Me, Do You Come Here Often?

I love you

I hate you

Why can't i stop thinking about you?

When will you stop hurting me?

Why cant i bring myself to feel the same?

Will the old you ever return?

Do i want the old you back?

What happened to us?

Do i miss you?

Im sorry i can't be there for you

Are you okay?

So Tell Me, Do You Come Here Often?

~Maya~

Eenie, Meanie, Miney, Poe?

"Can't find the way cause the way is gone
So if I pray am I just sending words into outer space"

i've been thinking alot about religion, and that line of a Katy Perry song keeps replaying in my head.. i dont know what to classify myself as, i dont want to put a label on what i believe right now. its like, something inside of me, knows there is something out there, just out of my reach, and im so close to getting it, and i just dont know what it is. i want so hard to believe there is a higher being out there, that loves me for who i am, no matter what. but something keeps me from that, and tonight i realize what that sometihng is. if i cant love me for who i am, how could anyone else? they always say, you cant love till you love yourself, and noone can truly love you until you love them. so all in all, someone cant love you, until you love yourself. something i've yet to do. so why would a higher being up there, even bother with me? someone who cant even appreciate what they gave me?

i dont know what to believe, i just wish it were as easy for me as it seems for others, they are born and their family tells them "you are Buddhist" "you are Jewish" so on, and they believed, and there you have it. but it was never that easy for me, i question what i cant see, i listen for what i cant hear, i reach out for what i cant feel, the unknown is a mystery to me, gravity is inticing and fascinating to me, i like what i cant see, i find it as a fun challenge, trying to prove it. but with religion its not like that, religion scares me, confuses me, i dont know what to do with it. im so interested in science, and i want to prove everything with a scientific explanation, yet i cant, religion is based on faith, and trust. but i was never able to have faith in, or trust in, something i can not prove is there.

no matter how much i Want to, i just cant. and it frustrates the hell out of me that i cant. i want to believe in something, to know that there isnt just nothingness after im gone, and the fact that i cant, breaks me, it tears me apart, i try my hardest to pretend like i dont care, like being athiest doesnt affect me and im fine with it, but im not. inside im being ripped apart by my lack of belief, because i know that i am going to die, i Know that, but what is the point? if there is nothingness after death, what was the point of my life? i need to believe that there is a point to me being here, because if there isnt, then whats the point in my staying here?

And The Rabbit Said To The Hare, You My Friend, Are Short.

I just dont understand you woman, its like, one sec, you dont want me around, but the next second, im all you care about. Either way it doesnt matter, because you are out of my life. I was hoping that we could have a kind civil break-up, and then we could be friends like before -even though we never went through a "friend" stage, it was straight to relationship-, but i guess not. Though that is partially my fault, because frankly, i just dont want to deal with you. You were So much to handle, i think im finally starting to get SOME of what tino was saying, of course im not gonna just leave you, like he did, but i just, i cant deal with this twentyfourseven.

Its okay to be sad, i know that, we Both know that, but sometimes you are just completely over dramatic, and i dont know what to do with you. She tells me about how you were trying to jump in front of cars because of me? Babe, im not that important, you have So much more to live for, and to try and end it, because of one relationship? one person? its just not worth it, IM not worth it. I hope she talks some sense into you, and that things can get better for you, i Really do, because i care about you soo much, but right now, this isnt about you, and i tihnk that is whats messing you up, either way, no more, cant do it. I really hope you work things out.

And The Rabbit Said To The Hare, You My Friend, Are Short.

~Maya~

And Hate Me, If It Feels Good

I could never hate you, no matter how could it would feel. I love you too much. And Damn you for making me love you so. You used to be such a great guy, so sweet, so wonderful, you were amazingly gentle with me when i needed you, whatever happened to that guy? The guy that used to make me smile when i was sad, make the the rain on my parade go away.

I loved you so much, how could you hurt me so much? You told me you loved me only as a sister, and okay, i understand that, i will never hold that against you. But you betrayed me. You lied to me. You cheated on me. You broke my heart. And you never said sorry. You never apologized. You just left. Left me alone, to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

And now you return, coming back in my life. Saying I've changed, that you like the new me. What about the old me? What that not good enough for you? Yes I have changed, but has it been for the better? When will you stop. When will you leave, when will i stop loving you? Will I ever.

I dont think i could ever stop loving you, you are a part of me and always will be. I KNOW that if you asked me to be yours, I would accept it, I would go through the pain all over again, if it meant that i could call you mine, and you could call me yours. I would do it again. Because you mean That much to me.

But what do i mean to you?

And Hate Me, If It Feels Good

~Maya~

Green Is Blue, But Blue Is Never Good Enough

When did the word "love" suddenly become devoid of its original meaning:
-a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

even That defintion, is a mild one, but its seems as if in the last decade, people have become so cruel and heartless, that they can not even attempt to go for that definition.

People throw around the word "love" as if it was a simple as the word "potatoe", as if it didnt hold any weight, as if it was just a word that you can say here and there, and everywhere.

But its not, its such a complicated word, and once you say it, once it is out there, you can not take it back, you throw out tons of feelings and emotions. Its funny, because love is supposed to be perfection, complete happy bliss, but humans, we are not perfect, in any way shape or form, so how can we possibly hope to achieve such perfection? how could we ever even Think, that it could happen. But we keep trying, and hey its admirable, we keep trying to achieve this sheer perfection of love, without any problems, without any pain, and when we fail, we are broken versions of what we once were.

Human love is painful, sooner or later, we are going to have to accept that, but its so beautiful, god is it beautiful.

You see couples walking along the sidewalk, looking at each other with such happiness in their eyes, as if they have never seen anything so beautiful then their partner before that moment. And its beautiful, its so amazing, you just want to recreate that moment, with them looking into your eyes. You just hope that maybe someone will look at you like that. But we must realize, love is perfect, and we are not, and as long as we keep trying to recreate this perfection we will fall apart.

It sounds so depressing i know but its true. Whether we fall apart from the death of said "loved" one, whether they leave us broken and confused, either way, it is pain. But it is beautiful.

And sometimes pain is worth it, and i guess the pain of human love, is worth the beauty, and wonder.

Green Is Blue, But Blue Is Never Good Enough.

~Maya~