So Tell Me, Do You Come Here Often?

I love you

I hate you

Why can't i stop thinking about you?

When will you stop hurting me?

Why cant i bring myself to feel the same?

Will the old you ever return?

Do i want the old you back?

What happened to us?

Do i miss you?

Im sorry i can't be there for you

Are you okay?

So Tell Me, Do You Come Here Often?

~Maya~

Eenie, Meanie, Miney, Poe?

"Can't find the way cause the way is gone
So if I pray am I just sending words into outer space"

i've been thinking alot about religion, and that line of a Katy Perry song keeps replaying in my head.. i dont know what to classify myself as, i dont want to put a label on what i believe right now. its like, something inside of me, knows there is something out there, just out of my reach, and im so close to getting it, and i just dont know what it is. i want so hard to believe there is a higher being out there, that loves me for who i am, no matter what. but something keeps me from that, and tonight i realize what that sometihng is. if i cant love me for who i am, how could anyone else? they always say, you cant love till you love yourself, and noone can truly love you until you love them. so all in all, someone cant love you, until you love yourself. something i've yet to do. so why would a higher being up there, even bother with me? someone who cant even appreciate what they gave me?

i dont know what to believe, i just wish it were as easy for me as it seems for others, they are born and their family tells them "you are Buddhist" "you are Jewish" so on, and they believed, and there you have it. but it was never that easy for me, i question what i cant see, i listen for what i cant hear, i reach out for what i cant feel, the unknown is a mystery to me, gravity is inticing and fascinating to me, i like what i cant see, i find it as a fun challenge, trying to prove it. but with religion its not like that, religion scares me, confuses me, i dont know what to do with it. im so interested in science, and i want to prove everything with a scientific explanation, yet i cant, religion is based on faith, and trust. but i was never able to have faith in, or trust in, something i can not prove is there.

no matter how much i Want to, i just cant. and it frustrates the hell out of me that i cant. i want to believe in something, to know that there isnt just nothingness after im gone, and the fact that i cant, breaks me, it tears me apart, i try my hardest to pretend like i dont care, like being athiest doesnt affect me and im fine with it, but im not. inside im being ripped apart by my lack of belief, because i know that i am going to die, i Know that, but what is the point? if there is nothingness after death, what was the point of my life? i need to believe that there is a point to me being here, because if there isnt, then whats the point in my staying here?

And The Rabbit Said To The Hare, You My Friend, Are Short.

I just dont understand you woman, its like, one sec, you dont want me around, but the next second, im all you care about. Either way it doesnt matter, because you are out of my life. I was hoping that we could have a kind civil break-up, and then we could be friends like before -even though we never went through a "friend" stage, it was straight to relationship-, but i guess not. Though that is partially my fault, because frankly, i just dont want to deal with you. You were So much to handle, i think im finally starting to get SOME of what tino was saying, of course im not gonna just leave you, like he did, but i just, i cant deal with this twentyfourseven.

Its okay to be sad, i know that, we Both know that, but sometimes you are just completely over dramatic, and i dont know what to do with you. She tells me about how you were trying to jump in front of cars because of me? Babe, im not that important, you have So much more to live for, and to try and end it, because of one relationship? one person? its just not worth it, IM not worth it. I hope she talks some sense into you, and that things can get better for you, i Really do, because i care about you soo much, but right now, this isnt about you, and i tihnk that is whats messing you up, either way, no more, cant do it. I really hope you work things out.

And The Rabbit Said To The Hare, You My Friend, Are Short.

~Maya~

And Hate Me, If It Feels Good

I could never hate you, no matter how could it would feel. I love you too much. And Damn you for making me love you so. You used to be such a great guy, so sweet, so wonderful, you were amazingly gentle with me when i needed you, whatever happened to that guy? The guy that used to make me smile when i was sad, make the the rain on my parade go away.

I loved you so much, how could you hurt me so much? You told me you loved me only as a sister, and okay, i understand that, i will never hold that against you. But you betrayed me. You lied to me. You cheated on me. You broke my heart. And you never said sorry. You never apologized. You just left. Left me alone, to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

And now you return, coming back in my life. Saying I've changed, that you like the new me. What about the old me? What that not good enough for you? Yes I have changed, but has it been for the better? When will you stop. When will you leave, when will i stop loving you? Will I ever.

I dont think i could ever stop loving you, you are a part of me and always will be. I KNOW that if you asked me to be yours, I would accept it, I would go through the pain all over again, if it meant that i could call you mine, and you could call me yours. I would do it again. Because you mean That much to me.

But what do i mean to you?

And Hate Me, If It Feels Good

~Maya~

Green Is Blue, But Blue Is Never Good Enough

When did the word "love" suddenly become devoid of its original meaning:
-a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

even That defintion, is a mild one, but its seems as if in the last decade, people have become so cruel and heartless, that they can not even attempt to go for that definition.

People throw around the word "love" as if it was a simple as the word "potatoe", as if it didnt hold any weight, as if it was just a word that you can say here and there, and everywhere.

But its not, its such a complicated word, and once you say it, once it is out there, you can not take it back, you throw out tons of feelings and emotions. Its funny, because love is supposed to be perfection, complete happy bliss, but humans, we are not perfect, in any way shape or form, so how can we possibly hope to achieve such perfection? how could we ever even Think, that it could happen. But we keep trying, and hey its admirable, we keep trying to achieve this sheer perfection of love, without any problems, without any pain, and when we fail, we are broken versions of what we once were.

Human love is painful, sooner or later, we are going to have to accept that, but its so beautiful, god is it beautiful.

You see couples walking along the sidewalk, looking at each other with such happiness in their eyes, as if they have never seen anything so beautiful then their partner before that moment. And its beautiful, its so amazing, you just want to recreate that moment, with them looking into your eyes. You just hope that maybe someone will look at you like that. But we must realize, love is perfect, and we are not, and as long as we keep trying to recreate this perfection we will fall apart.

It sounds so depressing i know but its true. Whether we fall apart from the death of said "loved" one, whether they leave us broken and confused, either way, it is pain. But it is beautiful.

And sometimes pain is worth it, and i guess the pain of human love, is worth the beauty, and wonder.

Green Is Blue, But Blue Is Never Good Enough.

~Maya~