Eenie, Meanie, Miney, Poe?

"Can't find the way cause the way is gone
So if I pray am I just sending words into outer space"

i've been thinking alot about religion, and that line of a Katy Perry song keeps replaying in my head.. i dont know what to classify myself as, i dont want to put a label on what i believe right now. its like, something inside of me, knows there is something out there, just out of my reach, and im so close to getting it, and i just dont know what it is. i want so hard to believe there is a higher being out there, that loves me for who i am, no matter what. but something keeps me from that, and tonight i realize what that sometihng is. if i cant love me for who i am, how could anyone else? they always say, you cant love till you love yourself, and noone can truly love you until you love them. so all in all, someone cant love you, until you love yourself. something i've yet to do. so why would a higher being up there, even bother with me? someone who cant even appreciate what they gave me?

i dont know what to believe, i just wish it were as easy for me as it seems for others, they are born and their family tells them "you are Buddhist" "you are Jewish" so on, and they believed, and there you have it. but it was never that easy for me, i question what i cant see, i listen for what i cant hear, i reach out for what i cant feel, the unknown is a mystery to me, gravity is inticing and fascinating to me, i like what i cant see, i find it as a fun challenge, trying to prove it. but with religion its not like that, religion scares me, confuses me, i dont know what to do with it. im so interested in science, and i want to prove everything with a scientific explanation, yet i cant, religion is based on faith, and trust. but i was never able to have faith in, or trust in, something i can not prove is there.

no matter how much i Want to, i just cant. and it frustrates the hell out of me that i cant. i want to believe in something, to know that there isnt just nothingness after im gone, and the fact that i cant, breaks me, it tears me apart, i try my hardest to pretend like i dont care, like being athiest doesnt affect me and im fine with it, but im not. inside im being ripped apart by my lack of belief, because i know that i am going to die, i Know that, but what is the point? if there is nothingness after death, what was the point of my life? i need to believe that there is a point to me being here, because if there isnt, then whats the point in my staying here?